The Dorktionary.
"The only dictionary without definition."
"The only dictionary without definition."
The Dorktionary
This is The Dorktionary.
It is similar to a dictionary, which defines and explains what words mean. However, we take it a step further and define and explain not what simple words mean, but what certain aspects of life mean.Please be patient as The Dorktionary grows its vocabulary. And keep in mind, submissions are accepted! So if you have something that needs added to The Dorktionary, let us know!
It's simple.
It's alphabetical.
It's hilarious.
It's true.
All of it.
It's alphabetical.
It's hilarious.
It's true.
All of it.
A -
adorkable : the singular quality that one possesses when they are not only dorky, yet incredibly adorable at the same time. A good example of this would be a sexy librarian with glasses, a slightly undone bodice, blossoming bosoms and a pen protector, and who likes to make jokes in binary code when nervous.
aussie kiss : just like a French kiss, but from down under!
B -
ballbarian : definition coming soon!
ball-bearings : Similar to the gut-instinct you feel, sometimes the feeling can come from a little deeper, and lead you down a decidedly more sinister and greasy path than originally intended. More common with males of the species. Occasionally one must recalibrate his ball-bearings. - source : Wifey
bangin' the cap'n three ways on the comforter :
1 oz. Rum, spiced (Cap'n Morgan's preferably, but Sailor Jerry, Ronrico, or any spiced rum will do!)
1 oz. Southern Comfort (otherwise known as SoCo for those of us who drink so much that wrapping our lips and tongues around the labyrinth that is 'Southern Cofmort' is an inexplicable task)
Fill with, 1/3 Cranberry Juice (for a lil' puckfactor)
Fill with, 1/3 Orange Juice (for a lil' Acid Refluxfactor)
Fill with 1/3 Pineapple Juice (for a little makin-yer-mancum-more-pleasurable-for-the-ladiesfactor)
Mixing Instructions :
Fill glass with ice. Add 1oz. SoCo and 1 oz. Cap'n. Fill with equal parts (thirds, dipshits) juice of Pineapple, Cranberry and Orange.
EDITOR'S NOTE : The following recipe is for a drink that I, myself have not actually prepared or guzzled in over a decade.
It was probably, 1998 or 1999, when I did both of those things. The drink itself is depressingly mediocre, but once you have made a few gallons and guzzled them, in the future, any time you are speaking of drinking parties, or get-togethers, go ahead and whip out a "So yeah, I was at a party once, and we all bang'd the cap'n three ways on the comforter."
Everyone within hearing range of you will stop, turn to you with a questioning, slightly cross-eyed look on their face, and reply to you with a sound that is a combination of any two to three of the following:
Eh, meh, wah, weh, whu, whi, err, der, fuu, mut, but, bin, wai, sai, bye, and asshole.
To further intrigue you with a little bit of how lame I truly am, I decided to share with all of you the recipe to this scientifically-proven-to-be-mediocre drink.
So, I went to www.Google.com and typed in 'bangin the captain three ways on the comforter'.
The very first website listed on today, October 10, 2010 (10/10/10!!!), was the following link to the site named DrinkNation. I copied the recipe from this site, posted it here on the Dorktionary, and I even added a little of my own twisted humor to entertain you, my loyal followers.
Once I was finished I read the line following the 'Contributor' headline.
My heart stopped. Then I lol'd. Then I told my wife, almost verbatim, exactly the words I am about to type for you.
Then I decided to immediately post and describe WHY my heart stopped, and WHY I lol'd.
The contributor of the drink named 'Banging The Captain 3 Ways On The Comforter' to the website www.drinknation.com is a person whose name is... Jess.
Which, in a rather indirectly roundabout way is... MY NAME.
The fact that I would choose to share with you something from my life that occurred over a decade ago, on a day like today (10/10/10!!!) about a drink that I had, and then I inadvertently stumbled upon the very recipe of the drink I'm talking about on the VERY FIRST link that Google's search engine offers me, which leads me to a website where that very drink was submitted to that very website by a person who shares MY very name, is... well... Quite mind-blowingly significant in a manner to which I can attach no relevant mind-blowing significance whatsoever.
But, in essence, right now... my mind is fucked. In a non-relevant, significantly mind-blowing insignificance.
EDITOR'S POST-NOTE : By reading the above post, and then willingly preparing and ingesting the drink that can be made with the above-posted recipe, to which I formally claim no ownership of, you involuntarily agree to send me five American dollars, in any form ; paper, coin, check, or even in WoW gold. Failure to provide payment for such provided services will result in you being sued, by me, for those five American dollars.
I will chase you to the ends of the Earth.
bangin' the old lady in the front yard - see also "not a very fucking good idea"
because of red fire ants, you jackass!! - that's why, asshat.
Billy Big Truck : a super stupid guy that drives a lifted ford truck with all the accoutrement such as: really gay rims, chrome door handles, a customized grill plate, and any other truck accessory that is extremely gay. - source : L. Huff
bromo : when you discover your close man-friend is a homersensual, and has been secretly yearning for your chode, yet you decide you can still be buddies, in a viciously platonic state.
buthaps : a portmanteau word which combines 'but' & 'perhaps' into one word, literally meaning 'but perhaps'. - source : J. Kreusler
C -
capsaicin : This is the HOT in chile peppers, this is the pain you feel when you eat jalapenos, habaneros, serranos.
Capsaicin is the oil found naturally in a FRUIT that is commonly mistaken as a vegetable. The chile pepper. It is different in form and function than the peppercorn, which is more of a seed than either a fruit or a vegetable.
The word is a derivative of the word "pippali" which means "berry", from a language over 3,000 years old, Sanskrit.
Capsaicin is the equivalent of you stabbing an intruder to your home in the throat, or raising a fist in anger and slamming down on the gas pedal in a fit of revenge road rage.
Most people don't realize or even take a second to think about WHY chile peppers are hot.
The answer is quite simply that the hot oil, capsaicin, which makes you tear up and cry and makes your nose water and which makes you sweat and take deep breaths of air or chugs of water (which we all know makes it worse, stick with dairy), is in fact the plant's defense mechanism.
The chile pepper is hot because it does not want you eating it. It is not truly a spice, it is not truly a plant, in essence, it is not truly delicious. It IS, in fact, a life form infusing its own body with a poison that it hopes will deter you from eating its fleshy yumness.
So yeah, next time you enjoy that heat, that warmth, that delicious barbecue sauce with a 'kick', keep in mind you are gladly celebrating the murder of your beloved.
Chile.
- source : The History Channel - Modern Marvels Episode : Hot n Spicy, Wikipedia.com, Dictionary.com, and yours truly.
Cecil Danium Valve : the phrase used in any mechanical-themed conversation when you want them to stop and think... Ferinstance, when any mechanical object with moving parts is not working properly... "Have you checked the Cecil Danium Valve?" Any educated man will stop, look around uncomfortably and pause, then say "Uhhh, WHAT?" You reply with "Just wondered", and then you proceed to check the damn thing yourself. - source : W. Stewart
computard : an individual who has for one reason or another (usually the only reason socially acceptable is that the person is an old-ass intellectual black hole) has not been privy to the advent of computerized electronics for the past thirty years, and cannot, by any means, competently manipulate a computer to render acceptable responses, in any form.
Basically this is the type of person that just randomly clicks on things on the screen, and/or believes that every flashing ad needs to be visited.
These are the people that break and destroy perfectly good computers, and these people are the reason that computer hackers can actually make a living off of exploiting ignoramuses like them.
converstationary : the point in a conversation know as the "uncomfortable silence", which triggers when all conversation participants enter converstationary mode, where any further speaking would simply ruin the mood in a more negative manner.
CPPD : a disease know in medical journals as "Contrary Position Personality Disorder", wherein the victim, who is typically described as a "total fuckbag beyond remorse" simply chooses to take a contrary position to whatever decision, conversation, discussion or argument is currently taking place, with the main goal of simply being a difficult fuckbag. Further arguing with this type of person is seriously detrimental to one's mood for the rest of the day, and these people are to be labeled, cast aside, and avoided at all costs.
D -
dork : not just a whale’s penis but also a term to describe those people that we know, or that we are, who are silly in a fairly backwards manner
dorkette : in a matriarchal society females like to make up words that in some manner separate themselves from the males of the species in an attempt to show their superiority. It's all about political correctness, you see, which I abhor. If a woman creates a term, such as, say 'dorkette', and the surrounding males of the species fail to INSTANTLY use this word that the woman has just created unbeknownst to them, or in fact, to any channels of localized media, then that male is outcast, branded as a sexist, and forever scorned by that particular 'dorkette' and all of her evil little twisted friends who deep down inside are closet lesbians, but most of whom are just to scared to cram their tongues and hands down their friends throats and pants.
Scientifically, there is no discernible difference between a male and a female dork, as it is not their sex that defines them, yet in fact it is their attire, behavior, and general outlook on life that defines them.
'Dork', is in fact, a unisex term.
dorketteer : a singular member of a group of dorks, numbering anywhere from 2 to 60,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000, 000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000.
Yeah bitches, that's six googols.
In your face.
dorkitude : a fairly self-explanatory dorky attitude, duh
dorktastic : this is how you describe something that is fantastic, not in a cool way, not in a slicked-back Jersey shore, but in a terribly dorky way
drunktard : similar to a drunkard, yet this individual is quite simply a drunkard who is your friend, acquaintance, or family member who consistently outdrinks themselves, and becomes either depressed or overly belligerent, who in the end, YOU are responsible for.
The drunktard will puke on, near, or around you, and you will at times hold their hair, pull up their pants, wipe their faces, call their parents, their cab, their roommates, their parole officer, or anyone else who claims to be "responsible" for them, yet leaves them in your care, so they can ruin any chances you have had at a fun evening, a night with that hot girl from the bar, or even a steamy mother-son night out on the town.
The drunktard is that one friend... that you could really do without, most times.
The drunktard.
They can be found in every circle of friends. If you can't figure out which one of your friends is the drunktard... it's probably you.
E -
engrish : dot com.
F -
Ferealiously : Seriously, fer reals.
fuge : [fyooj] short for "Fucking huge". Used mainly when three syllables would ruin the effect of the jaw-dropping awe and/or terror inspired by the fuge thing you just witnessed. - source: J. Kreusler
fuxxed : this is how you describe something that was broken, and then someone attempted to fix it, but instead epically screwed it up beyond any future fixing. "Dude, you fuxxed it up! It'll NEVER work now!"
G -
ghost shitter : a person or an animal that sneaks into your cozy little home and shits in secret, and then escapes without flushing the toilet or cleaning up their poopie mess. This being then sneaks out, leaving their leavings to be discovered by your discovering eyes.
Upon discovery, you will instantly pause, take a moment , and try and recall leaving such a mess, followed immediately by running down the list of possible culprits. "Was that me..?.. did I do th.... Was it my wife? One of the kids? The cat... the turtle?... Who in the fu..."
Sometimes the culprit is a creature, sometimes these creatures can sneak in somewhere that they should never be and they leave this chocolate-like delicacy, and then they sneak back out into the real world.
Imagine how screwed up your afternoon would be were you to arrive home after an average day of work and you find a pleasantly placed pile of porcupine pebbles on your plump pillows.
Gmaul : My very own version of Gmail that I have invented solely by MYSELF, and anyone that ever uses this idea OWES MY MIRRIONS OF DORRALS!!!
It is in essence, a fake Gmail client that not only mangles your spelling, grammar and punctuation in the emails that you send out, but also sends the email to random and/or multiple recipients chosen, well, randomly, from your contact list.
Hrmmm, perhaps this would be better introduced to the world as a computer virus, which does not let you WHO or WHAT you are sending your shit email to, so in the end, all you get is an inbox FLOODED with replies saying, for the most part :
"DUDE... WHAT IN THE FUCKING BLUE HELL ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT??!?!?! AND WHO IN THE FUCK IS TINA??!"
Grandmafag : a person who has a bad attitude/outlook on things (much like when you call someone a fag), and is also obtains the less attractive attributes of the elderly such as: eating prunes, slow movements when they should be fast for efficiency, etc. Example: That guy is such a grandmafag. All he does is complain that we don't have a clue what we are doing when he knows nothing about anything!!! - source : L. Huff
H -
I -
Identity Embezzlement : Also referred to as Phase One of my plans for Ultimate World Domination.
Identity Embezzlement, quite simply, is where I use the power and monies gained from the future success of this website to swindle you in a tricksy manner to convince you to relinquish to me your rights to your own name. Once I am in possession of your name, I will merely pose as someone posing as you, and use your name against you in a slanderous and libelous manner to defame you to the point where you yourself shall be found guilty of fraud to the extent that you will be taken far far away from me for an indefinite period of time.
After turning your name against you, I will then again pose simply AS you, and in your unfortunate absence, I will reverse the tables and use your name to let you bask in the glow of a good light, and I will then gain access to your assets.
That means I will have your stuff... and things.
iPhobe : an individual who is stuck in the past, and for some ignorant reason chooses to distrust, and/or refuses to accept, any new, fantastic technology, regardless of it's incredible benefit, ease of use, or just plain awesomeness. This includes not only the newest and most fantastic offering from Apple Inc. such as the iPhone (or any other lesser "smart"phones"), but also those that refuse to do their banking, and even their SHOPPING online.
I ask people like this "WHY? Why are you resistant to the newest technology and/or the Interwebz? How can you not see how this can streamline and simplify your life and save you DAYS, if not WEEKS and MONTHS of your life?!"
They typically respond with the cardboard-cutout answer of "I just don't trust my sensitive personal information being put out on the (as they call it) "World Wide Web".
I then ask them if they have ever been a victim of identity theft, or if a retail store, or a restaurant, or even their chosen banking institution, has ever screwed something up and cost them money, lost their money, been unable to produce evidence of a payment, or been unable to recognize the existence of money that THEY KNOW exists, EXACTLY where it should be.
The answer? Every single time, is "Yes". Everywhere they go, people prove that others are incompetent in the handling of their money.
Why, then, are people so distrustful of the money transactions over the internet, when they can't trust the people behind that counter at their favorite store, restaurant AND bank?!
Why (WHY?!) are these people so backwards?!
Don't they realize that every single money transaction in THE ENTIRE WORLD is recorded by either a human being, a machine, or BOTH?! WHY do these people trust every person, every machine, in the whole world, and at the SAME time, distrust every person, every machine, in the whole world?!?!?
And there you have the iPhobe.
J -
K -
L -
librainian : she is a tricksy one, this. She is a certified, if not licensed librarian, who is... in your eyes, super hot, the most beautiful woman in your world. She is smexy, she is sweet, she is even a sweaty mess when the time is right. And you want her, you need her.
But, she is smarter than you, and using only her wiles, she has convinced you in no uncertain terms that you do not deserve to be firmly entrenched within, around, near, or even within an imaginary proximity of her delicate, lacy panties, or the treasure chest full of goodies she hides within.
She works in the library, and she has the knowledge of the entire history of the existence of mankind at her fingertips, and she uses this to ensnare, entrap and ultimately, destroy your will to live in what can only be described as a self-imposed inflammatory manner.
M -
malanomalous : the word "anomaly" is described by Dictionary.com as:
'
Mugician : A certain quandary exists when one stumbles upon the singular wonder that is the Mugician. After only moments of being exposed to the stylings of one, most people have to pause and step back, asking themselves "Is this guy a musician, wowing me with his magical musical skills, or a magician, weirding me out with his tricky musical deceptions?"
Like Bigfoot, the jury is still out.
N -
never : not even once, ever.
not a very fucking good idea - see also "why"
O -
P -
Paris Hilton : Yeah I said it.
"Pic or it didn't happen" : A simple phrase to use to shut up one of your friends who is bragging about ABSOLUTELY ANYTHING that you know he/she cannot, beyond a reasonable doubt, prove ever occurred in the history of his/her life. - source : T. Hartman
Pumuseric : [POO-moo-sair-ic] a rather stringy yellow color, reminiscent of baby vomit. A color created by mixing equal parts pumpkin, mustard, and turmeric. Fairly popular in southern California in the colder months, those being basically anytime the sun is further then 8 hours from it's zenith. - source : J. Kreusler
Q -
QuiBitch : [KWI-bitch] a person who has just stumbled upon, and has gotten violently sucked into, the fast and furious penny-auction goodness of such sites as www.QuiBids.com. Similar to the addiction people may suffer from eBay, the QuiBitch is just the newest breed of Internet Auction Slut. - source : anonymous upon request
R -
S -
smunge : [shmunj] easily one of the more funnerest words in the Dorktionary, smunge is fun not only because it is fun to say, the word itself feels like what it's describing. Smunge, in definition, is either that slimy film that coats your mouth during the night, and makes you gummy, funky, and smeggy in the morning, OR a particularly snarky difficult-to-avoid situation. Also, just like that film, speaking the word, "smunge" just makes one feel icky.
Perhaps one of the greatest reasons for that is this word introduces an entirely new type of letter into the engrish language. Just like the silent 'k' one will encounter in words like "knife" and "knee", and the curly 'q' one stumbles upon shockingly in mid-midlife crisis in the word "queer", this word introduces its own fun letter. It shall henceforth be known as the 'Invisible H'.
The Invisible H is, as can be assumed, invisible, yet audible! You see, the 'h' is pronounced, but it can only be detected by one sense; that of hearing! HAHA!
Anyway, smunge. It can be found in a toilet, in a closet, in your mouth, and in conversation. And, just like that film in your mouf, no matter how many times you say "smunge", it never quite rolls off the tongue.
sources of The Dorktionary : I get my sources not just from verbatim definitions that are credited to the person that first voiced them to me, whether audibly, visually, or digitally, but also from a split second, if not a fifteen minute discussion I have with a person, which then sets in motion the cycle of mental events that lead me to create not only a word, but it's subsequent definition. Not all of my sources KNOW that they are in fact being cited as a source, and the true purpose of the source is not to make sure they get credit for inspiring me to add whatever they have inspired me to add, but simply for me to have a form of documentation for who inspired me to do or say or think what.
So if you happen to see your name listed as a source here on The Dorktionary, be honored. I have found you, at least in a single instant, to be totally entertaining and fascinating enough to be eternally memorialized here on the InterWebz.
There are no prizes, however, cash or otherwise.
So don't ask.
But thanks again for involuntarily volunteering your time and energy to something that I hope will someday make me rich.
SpankBank : A name given to the collection of photos, memories, videos, whatever, of ex-girlfriends, ex-wives, current girlfriends or wives, or even supermodels, porn stars, co-workers, friends, and anyone of either sex that is hidden away somewhere secret, somewhere safe. This type of bank account has regular nightly withdrawals (and/or emissions), and these are normally performed privately.
syphillicious : the term given to a person who is most obviously a disease-carrying tramp, yet is just... SO HOT, that you would almost risk tappin' dat ass, because you know the fun would be like those little licorice candies... Good'n'Plenty.
The almost certain chance of your sensitive bits rotting off is almost enough to deter you... but not always.
see also : Paris Hilton
T -
Tt-Rex : Evidence of a new breed of dinosaur was discovered recently in the rubble of the spectacular Guatemalen sinkhole. Only the upper torso of the creature has been unearthed so far, but paleontologists and plastic surgeons alike are dubbing the Mesozoic Era dino as "Tt-Rex" or "Tittie-Rex" due to proof of strange mammalian glands on the front of the creature. Dr. Steven Dong of Chillicothe, Ohio (Ohio's first capital, mind you), was simply beside himself whilst portraying his feeling as he first uncovered the creature.
He was all like "Wow" and "Would you just look at that..." and stuff.
txtfukk : Txtfukking is truly a lot of fun. It is when you simply txt a buddy of yours some preposterous news, something to really get them interested. Then simply ignore any and all attempts by them to contact you for more info. It's really good to follow up with an "i cant talk rite now" or "tell u l8r".
Once they begin to finally give up on figuring out just what in the blue hell you are talking about, initiate Phase 2 of the txtfukkery. It involves simply waiting until 2:13 am the following morning, and then txting the victim "i rlly need 2 talk 2 u about what happned ysterday. call me"
Again, ignore any further communication until you meet up with that person. When they inquire about the issue that is soo important, you have a choice to either blow your cover and do an Asthon Kutcher-ish "You, my friend, just got txtfukked!" and laugh heartily in their face.
Or...
Slap them with an "I don't wanna talk about it right now.", and keep your secret.
;)
U -
V -
Vaginormasaurus - definition coming soon!
W -
why - see also 'because of red fire ants you jackass!!'
world domination : my ultimate goal.
X -
Y -
Z -
adorkable : the singular quality that one possesses when they are not only dorky, yet incredibly adorable at the same time. A good example of this would be a sexy librarian with glasses, a slightly undone bodice, blossoming bosoms and a pen protector, and who likes to make jokes in binary code when nervous.
aussie kiss : just like a French kiss, but from down under!
B -
ballbarian : definition coming soon!
ball-bearings : Similar to the gut-instinct you feel, sometimes the feeling can come from a little deeper, and lead you down a decidedly more sinister and greasy path than originally intended. More common with males of the species. Occasionally one must recalibrate his ball-bearings. - source : Wifey
bangin' the cap'n three ways on the comforter :
1 oz. Rum, spiced (Cap'n Morgan's preferably, but Sailor Jerry, Ronrico, or any spiced rum will do!)
1 oz. Southern Comfort (otherwise known as SoCo for those of us who drink so much that wrapping our lips and tongues around the labyrinth that is 'Southern Cofmort' is an inexplicable task)
Fill with, 1/3 Cranberry Juice (for a lil' puckfactor)
Fill with, 1/3 Orange Juice (for a lil' Acid Refluxfactor)
Fill with 1/3 Pineapple Juice (for a little makin-yer-mancum-more-pleasurable-for-the-ladiesfactor)
Mixing Instructions :
Fill glass with ice. Add 1oz. SoCo and 1 oz. Cap'n. Fill with equal parts (thirds, dipshits) juice of Pineapple, Cranberry and Orange.
EDITOR'S NOTE : The following recipe is for a drink that I, myself have not actually prepared or guzzled in over a decade.
It was probably, 1998 or 1999, when I did both of those things. The drink itself is depressingly mediocre, but once you have made a few gallons and guzzled them, in the future, any time you are speaking of drinking parties, or get-togethers, go ahead and whip out a "So yeah, I was at a party once, and we all bang'd the cap'n three ways on the comforter."
Everyone within hearing range of you will stop, turn to you with a questioning, slightly cross-eyed look on their face, and reply to you with a sound that is a combination of any two to three of the following:
Eh, meh, wah, weh, whu, whi, err, der, fuu, mut, but, bin, wai, sai, bye, and asshole.
To further intrigue you with a little bit of how lame I truly am, I decided to share with all of you the recipe to this scientifically-proven-to-be-mediocre drink.
So, I went to www.Google.com and typed in 'bangin the captain three ways on the comforter'.
The very first website listed on today, October 10, 2010 (10/10/10!!!), was the following link to the site named DrinkNation. I copied the recipe from this site, posted it here on the Dorktionary, and I even added a little of my own twisted humor to entertain you, my loyal followers.
Once I was finished I read the line following the 'Contributor' headline.
My heart stopped. Then I lol'd. Then I told my wife, almost verbatim, exactly the words I am about to type for you.
Then I decided to immediately post and describe WHY my heart stopped, and WHY I lol'd.
The contributor of the drink named 'Banging The Captain 3 Ways On The Comforter' to the website www.drinknation.com is a person whose name is... Jess.
Which, in a rather indirectly roundabout way is... MY NAME.
The fact that I would choose to share with you something from my life that occurred over a decade ago, on a day like today (10/10/10!!!) about a drink that I had, and then I inadvertently stumbled upon the very recipe of the drink I'm talking about on the VERY FIRST link that Google's search engine offers me, which leads me to a website where that very drink was submitted to that very website by a person who shares MY very name, is... well... Quite mind-blowingly significant in a manner to which I can attach no relevant mind-blowing significance whatsoever.
But, in essence, right now... my mind is fucked. In a non-relevant, significantly mind-blowing insignificance.
EDITOR'S POST-NOTE : By reading the above post, and then willingly preparing and ingesting the drink that can be made with the above-posted recipe, to which I formally claim no ownership of, you involuntarily agree to send me five American dollars, in any form ; paper, coin, check, or even in WoW gold. Failure to provide payment for such provided services will result in you being sued, by me, for those five American dollars.
I will chase you to the ends of the Earth.
bangin' the old lady in the front yard - see also "not a very fucking good idea"
because of red fire ants, you jackass!! - that's why, asshat.
Billy Big Truck : a super stupid guy that drives a lifted ford truck with all the accoutrement such as: really gay rims, chrome door handles, a customized grill plate, and any other truck accessory that is extremely gay. - source : L. Huff
bromo : when you discover your close man-friend is a homersensual, and has been secretly yearning for your chode, yet you decide you can still be buddies, in a viciously platonic state.
buthaps : a portmanteau word which combines 'but' & 'perhaps' into one word, literally meaning 'but perhaps'. - source : J. Kreusler
C -
capsaicin : This is the HOT in chile peppers, this is the pain you feel when you eat jalapenos, habaneros, serranos.
Capsaicin is the oil found naturally in a FRUIT that is commonly mistaken as a vegetable. The chile pepper. It is different in form and function than the peppercorn, which is more of a seed than either a fruit or a vegetable.
The word is a derivative of the word "pippali" which means "berry", from a language over 3,000 years old, Sanskrit.
Capsaicin is the equivalent of you stabbing an intruder to your home in the throat, or raising a fist in anger and slamming down on the gas pedal in a fit of revenge road rage.
Most people don't realize or even take a second to think about WHY chile peppers are hot.
The answer is quite simply that the hot oil, capsaicin, which makes you tear up and cry and makes your nose water and which makes you sweat and take deep breaths of air or chugs of water (which we all know makes it worse, stick with dairy), is in fact the plant's defense mechanism.
The chile pepper is hot because it does not want you eating it. It is not truly a spice, it is not truly a plant, in essence, it is not truly delicious. It IS, in fact, a life form infusing its own body with a poison that it hopes will deter you from eating its fleshy yumness.
So yeah, next time you enjoy that heat, that warmth, that delicious barbecue sauce with a 'kick', keep in mind you are gladly celebrating the murder of your beloved.
Chile.
- source : The History Channel - Modern Marvels Episode : Hot n Spicy, Wikipedia.com, Dictionary.com, and yours truly.
Cecil Danium Valve : the phrase used in any mechanical-themed conversation when you want them to stop and think... Ferinstance, when any mechanical object with moving parts is not working properly... "Have you checked the Cecil Danium Valve?" Any educated man will stop, look around uncomfortably and pause, then say "Uhhh, WHAT?" You reply with "Just wondered", and then you proceed to check the damn thing yourself. - source : W. Stewart
computard : an individual who has for one reason or another (usually the only reason socially acceptable is that the person is an old-ass intellectual black hole) has not been privy to the advent of computerized electronics for the past thirty years, and cannot, by any means, competently manipulate a computer to render acceptable responses, in any form.
Basically this is the type of person that just randomly clicks on things on the screen, and/or believes that every flashing ad needs to be visited.
These are the people that break and destroy perfectly good computers, and these people are the reason that computer hackers can actually make a living off of exploiting ignoramuses like them.
converstationary : the point in a conversation know as the "uncomfortable silence", which triggers when all conversation participants enter converstationary mode, where any further speaking would simply ruin the mood in a more negative manner.
CPPD : a disease know in medical journals as "Contrary Position Personality Disorder", wherein the victim, who is typically described as a "total fuckbag beyond remorse" simply chooses to take a contrary position to whatever decision, conversation, discussion or argument is currently taking place, with the main goal of simply being a difficult fuckbag. Further arguing with this type of person is seriously detrimental to one's mood for the rest of the day, and these people are to be labeled, cast aside, and avoided at all costs.
D -
dork : not just a whale’s penis but also a term to describe those people that we know, or that we are, who are silly in a fairly backwards manner
dorkette : in a matriarchal society females like to make up words that in some manner separate themselves from the males of the species in an attempt to show their superiority. It's all about political correctness, you see, which I abhor. If a woman creates a term, such as, say 'dorkette', and the surrounding males of the species fail to INSTANTLY use this word that the woman has just created unbeknownst to them, or in fact, to any channels of localized media, then that male is outcast, branded as a sexist, and forever scorned by that particular 'dorkette' and all of her evil little twisted friends who deep down inside are closet lesbians, but most of whom are just to scared to cram their tongues and hands down their friends throats and pants.
Scientifically, there is no discernible difference between a male and a female dork, as it is not their sex that defines them, yet in fact it is their attire, behavior, and general outlook on life that defines them.
'Dork', is in fact, a unisex term.
dorketteer : a singular member of a group of dorks, numbering anywhere from 2 to 60,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000, 000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000.
Yeah bitches, that's six googols.
In your face.
dorkitude : a fairly self-explanatory dorky attitude, duh
dorktastic : this is how you describe something that is fantastic, not in a cool way, not in a slicked-back Jersey shore, but in a terribly dorky way
drunktard : similar to a drunkard, yet this individual is quite simply a drunkard who is your friend, acquaintance, or family member who consistently outdrinks themselves, and becomes either depressed or overly belligerent, who in the end, YOU are responsible for.
The drunktard will puke on, near, or around you, and you will at times hold their hair, pull up their pants, wipe their faces, call their parents, their cab, their roommates, their parole officer, or anyone else who claims to be "responsible" for them, yet leaves them in your care, so they can ruin any chances you have had at a fun evening, a night with that hot girl from the bar, or even a steamy mother-son night out on the town.
The drunktard is that one friend... that you could really do without, most times.
The drunktard.
They can be found in every circle of friends. If you can't figure out which one of your friends is the drunktard... it's probably you.
E -
engrish : dot com.
F -
Ferealiously : Seriously, fer reals.
fuge : [fyooj] short for "Fucking huge". Used mainly when three syllables would ruin the effect of the jaw-dropping awe and/or terror inspired by the fuge thing you just witnessed. - source: J. Kreusler
fuxxed : this is how you describe something that was broken, and then someone attempted to fix it, but instead epically screwed it up beyond any future fixing. "Dude, you fuxxed it up! It'll NEVER work now!"
G -
ghost shitter : a person or an animal that sneaks into your cozy little home and shits in secret, and then escapes without flushing the toilet or cleaning up their poopie mess. This being then sneaks out, leaving their leavings to be discovered by your discovering eyes.
Upon discovery, you will instantly pause, take a moment , and try and recall leaving such a mess, followed immediately by running down the list of possible culprits. "Was that me..?.. did I do th.... Was it my wife? One of the kids? The cat... the turtle?... Who in the fu..."
Sometimes the culprit is a creature, sometimes these creatures can sneak in somewhere that they should never be and they leave this chocolate-like delicacy, and then they sneak back out into the real world.
Imagine how screwed up your afternoon would be were you to arrive home after an average day of work and you find a pleasantly placed pile of porcupine pebbles on your plump pillows.
Gmaul : My very own version of Gmail that I have invented solely by MYSELF, and anyone that ever uses this idea OWES MY MIRRIONS OF DORRALS!!!
It is in essence, a fake Gmail client that not only mangles your spelling, grammar and punctuation in the emails that you send out, but also sends the email to random and/or multiple recipients chosen, well, randomly, from your contact list.
Hrmmm, perhaps this would be better introduced to the world as a computer virus, which does not let you WHO or WHAT you are sending your shit email to, so in the end, all you get is an inbox FLOODED with replies saying, for the most part :
"DUDE... WHAT IN THE FUCKING BLUE HELL ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT??!?!?! AND WHO IN THE FUCK IS TINA??!"
Grandmafag : a person who has a bad attitude/outlook on things (much like when you call someone a fag), and is also obtains the less attractive attributes of the elderly such as: eating prunes, slow movements when they should be fast for efficiency, etc. Example: That guy is such a grandmafag. All he does is complain that we don't have a clue what we are doing when he knows nothing about anything!!! - source : L. Huff
H -
I -
Identity Embezzlement : Also referred to as Phase One of my plans for Ultimate World Domination.
Identity Embezzlement, quite simply, is where I use the power and monies gained from the future success of this website to swindle you in a tricksy manner to convince you to relinquish to me your rights to your own name. Once I am in possession of your name, I will merely pose as someone posing as you, and use your name against you in a slanderous and libelous manner to defame you to the point where you yourself shall be found guilty of fraud to the extent that you will be taken far far away from me for an indefinite period of time.
After turning your name against you, I will then again pose simply AS you, and in your unfortunate absence, I will reverse the tables and use your name to let you bask in the glow of a good light, and I will then gain access to your assets.
That means I will have your stuff... and things.
iPhobe : an individual who is stuck in the past, and for some ignorant reason chooses to distrust, and/or refuses to accept, any new, fantastic technology, regardless of it's incredible benefit, ease of use, or just plain awesomeness. This includes not only the newest and most fantastic offering from Apple Inc. such as the iPhone (or any other lesser "smart"phones"), but also those that refuse to do their banking, and even their SHOPPING online.
I ask people like this "WHY? Why are you resistant to the newest technology and/or the Interwebz? How can you not see how this can streamline and simplify your life and save you DAYS, if not WEEKS and MONTHS of your life?!"
They typically respond with the cardboard-cutout answer of "I just don't trust my sensitive personal information being put out on the (as they call it) "World Wide Web".
I then ask them if they have ever been a victim of identity theft, or if a retail store, or a restaurant, or even their chosen banking institution, has ever screwed something up and cost them money, lost their money, been unable to produce evidence of a payment, or been unable to recognize the existence of money that THEY KNOW exists, EXACTLY where it should be.
The answer? Every single time, is "Yes". Everywhere they go, people prove that others are incompetent in the handling of their money.
Why, then, are people so distrustful of the money transactions over the internet, when they can't trust the people behind that counter at their favorite store, restaurant AND bank?!
Why (WHY?!) are these people so backwards?!
Don't they realize that every single money transaction in THE ENTIRE WORLD is recorded by either a human being, a machine, or BOTH?! WHY do these people trust every person, every machine, in the whole world, and at the SAME time, distrust every person, every machine, in the whole world?!?!?
And there you have the iPhobe.
J -
K -
L -
librainian : she is a tricksy one, this. She is a certified, if not licensed librarian, who is... in your eyes, super hot, the most beautiful woman in your world. She is smexy, she is sweet, she is even a sweaty mess when the time is right. And you want her, you need her.
But, she is smarter than you, and using only her wiles, she has convinced you in no uncertain terms that you do not deserve to be firmly entrenched within, around, near, or even within an imaginary proximity of her delicate, lacy panties, or the treasure chest full of goodies she hides within.
She works in the library, and she has the knowledge of the entire history of the existence of mankind at her fingertips, and she uses this to ensnare, entrap and ultimately, destroy your will to live in what can only be described as a self-imposed inflammatory manner.
M -
malanomalous : the word "anomaly" is described by Dictionary.com as:
'
1. a deviation from the common rule, type, arrangement, or form.
2. someone or something anomalous: With his quiet nature, he was an anomaly inhis exuberant family.
3. an odd, peculiar, or strange condition, situation, quality, etc.
4. an incongruity or inconsistency.
'
Malanomalous, on the other hand, it something that is... INCREDIBLY normal and everyday. Hum-drum.
Imagine this ; A friend of yours runs into the room, and in breathless, halting speech, excitedly tells you how awesome a movie they just saw is. The same movie you saw fifteen years ago, and that you have by now seen dozens of times.
That is a malanomaly. It is the epitome of the "making something out of nothing" idea.
We all know and have a friend who gets excited over stuff that we look at them like "You actually give a shit about THAT?!"
Idiots.
Please, children, do not mistake the term malanomalous with melanoma, as melanoma is, in fact, an anomaly, which, for those of you that can comprehend english, is the exact opposite of a malanomaly.
In other words, there is no such thing as malanomalous melanoma. Unless of course we choose to view the world from the perspective of a cancerous tumor-ish growth. In which case the nonexistence of melanoma would indeed be an anomaly.
Which... I'm confused. I'm not even sure any more what I'm trying to say.
Which... I guess... for those of you that know me, is an, you guessed it, anomaly.
'
Malanomalous, on the other hand, it something that is... INCREDIBLY normal and everyday. Hum-drum.
Imagine this ; A friend of yours runs into the room, and in breathless, halting speech, excitedly tells you how awesome a movie they just saw is. The same movie you saw fifteen years ago, and that you have by now seen dozens of times.
That is a malanomaly. It is the epitome of the "making something out of nothing" idea.
We all know and have a friend who gets excited over stuff that we look at them like "You actually give a shit about THAT?!"
Idiots.
Please, children, do not mistake the term malanomalous with melanoma, as melanoma is, in fact, an anomaly, which, for those of you that can comprehend english, is the exact opposite of a malanomaly.
In other words, there is no such thing as malanomalous melanoma. Unless of course we choose to view the world from the perspective of a cancerous tumor-ish growth. In which case the nonexistence of melanoma would indeed be an anomaly.
Which... I'm confused. I'm not even sure any more what I'm trying to say.
Which... I guess... for those of you that know me, is an, you guessed it, anomaly.
Mugician : A certain quandary exists when one stumbles upon the singular wonder that is the Mugician. After only moments of being exposed to the stylings of one, most people have to pause and step back, asking themselves "Is this guy a musician, wowing me with his magical musical skills, or a magician, weirding me out with his tricky musical deceptions?"
Like Bigfoot, the jury is still out.
N -
never : not even once, ever.
not a very fucking good idea - see also "why"
O -
P -
Paris Hilton : Yeah I said it.
"Pic or it didn't happen" : A simple phrase to use to shut up one of your friends who is bragging about ABSOLUTELY ANYTHING that you know he/she cannot, beyond a reasonable doubt, prove ever occurred in the history of his/her life. - source : T. Hartman
Pumuseric : [POO-moo-sair-ic] a rather stringy yellow color, reminiscent of baby vomit. A color created by mixing equal parts pumpkin, mustard, and turmeric. Fairly popular in southern California in the colder months, those being basically anytime the sun is further then 8 hours from it's zenith. - source : J. Kreusler
Q -
QuiBitch : [KWI-bitch] a person who has just stumbled upon, and has gotten violently sucked into, the fast and furious penny-auction goodness of such sites as www.QuiBids.com. Similar to the addiction people may suffer from eBay, the QuiBitch is just the newest breed of Internet Auction Slut. - source : anonymous upon request
R -
S -
smunge : [shmunj] easily one of the more funnerest words in the Dorktionary, smunge is fun not only because it is fun to say, the word itself feels like what it's describing. Smunge, in definition, is either that slimy film that coats your mouth during the night, and makes you gummy, funky, and smeggy in the morning, OR a particularly snarky difficult-to-avoid situation. Also, just like that film, speaking the word, "smunge" just makes one feel icky.
Perhaps one of the greatest reasons for that is this word introduces an entirely new type of letter into the engrish language. Just like the silent 'k' one will encounter in words like "knife" and "knee", and the curly 'q' one stumbles upon shockingly in mid-midlife crisis in the word "queer", this word introduces its own fun letter. It shall henceforth be known as the 'Invisible H'.
The Invisible H is, as can be assumed, invisible, yet audible! You see, the 'h' is pronounced, but it can only be detected by one sense; that of hearing! HAHA!
Anyway, smunge. It can be found in a toilet, in a closet, in your mouth, and in conversation. And, just like that film in your mouf, no matter how many times you say "smunge", it never quite rolls off the tongue.
sources of The Dorktionary : I get my sources not just from verbatim definitions that are credited to the person that first voiced them to me, whether audibly, visually, or digitally, but also from a split second, if not a fifteen minute discussion I have with a person, which then sets in motion the cycle of mental events that lead me to create not only a word, but it's subsequent definition. Not all of my sources KNOW that they are in fact being cited as a source, and the true purpose of the source is not to make sure they get credit for inspiring me to add whatever they have inspired me to add, but simply for me to have a form of documentation for who inspired me to do or say or think what.
So if you happen to see your name listed as a source here on The Dorktionary, be honored. I have found you, at least in a single instant, to be totally entertaining and fascinating enough to be eternally memorialized here on the InterWebz.
There are no prizes, however, cash or otherwise.
So don't ask.
But thanks again for involuntarily volunteering your time and energy to something that I hope will someday make me rich.
SpankBank : A name given to the collection of photos, memories, videos, whatever, of ex-girlfriends, ex-wives, current girlfriends or wives, or even supermodels, porn stars, co-workers, friends, and anyone of either sex that is hidden away somewhere secret, somewhere safe. This type of bank account has regular nightly withdrawals (and/or emissions), and these are normally performed privately.
syphillicious : the term given to a person who is most obviously a disease-carrying tramp, yet is just... SO HOT, that you would almost risk tappin' dat ass, because you know the fun would be like those little licorice candies... Good'n'Plenty.
The almost certain chance of your sensitive bits rotting off is almost enough to deter you... but not always.
see also : Paris Hilton
T -
Tt-Rex : Evidence of a new breed of dinosaur was discovered recently in the rubble of the spectacular Guatemalen sinkhole. Only the upper torso of the creature has been unearthed so far, but paleontologists and plastic surgeons alike are dubbing the Mesozoic Era dino as "Tt-Rex" or "Tittie-Rex" due to proof of strange mammalian glands on the front of the creature. Dr. Steven Dong of Chillicothe, Ohio (Ohio's first capital, mind you), was simply beside himself whilst portraying his feeling as he first uncovered the creature.
He was all like "Wow" and "Would you just look at that..." and stuff.
txtfukk : Txtfukking is truly a lot of fun. It is when you simply txt a buddy of yours some preposterous news, something to really get them interested. Then simply ignore any and all attempts by them to contact you for more info. It's really good to follow up with an "i cant talk rite now" or "tell u l8r".
Once they begin to finally give up on figuring out just what in the blue hell you are talking about, initiate Phase 2 of the txtfukkery. It involves simply waiting until 2:13 am the following morning, and then txting the victim "i rlly need 2 talk 2 u about what happned ysterday. call me"
Again, ignore any further communication until you meet up with that person. When they inquire about the issue that is soo important, you have a choice to either blow your cover and do an Asthon Kutcher-ish "You, my friend, just got txtfukked!" and laugh heartily in their face.
Or...
Slap them with an "I don't wanna talk about it right now.", and keep your secret.
;)
U -
V -
Vaginormasaurus - definition coming soon!
W -
why - see also 'because of red fire ants you jackass!!'
world domination : my ultimate goal.
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Y -
Z -
